Gathering My Bras

Today I’ll gather up all of my bras and throw them away.

The day before my mastectomy, I'll empty my bras from my lingerie drawer.

The idea of this surgery doesn’t bother me. I’m trusting that God will see me through it. I’m trusting that I’m in God’s will and that’s why I’m not nervous about this event. I’m trusting that this decision will give me a few more years so that i can see my babies grow up.

I’m trusting that my husband’s calm demeanor and reassuring words will remain the same for the next 40 yrs. I don’t want him to bust out one day yelling, “I’m tired of you, you no-titty woman!!”

If he does I’ll have to cut him. I’m not a violent woman at all. Jesus is my peace. But after I have consistently asked, “What do you think honey?” “How do you feel about this honey?” “What are your thoughts, dear?”; and I consistently get these sentences that are no more than 5-6 words long and a scripture: “Everything is going be alright. God won’t put any more on you than you can bear.” – I’m going to trust that those same words will comfort and sustain him as they do me. I must ride on those words of comfort and encouragement for the next40 yrs. I expect him to do the same. That means NO CHANGES!

20 years from now i can’t say, “Whew, I wish i had my boobs back!” So, neither can he.
I can’t say, “I really miss my breasts.” So, neither can he.
I can’t say, “I want to feel on, suck on, lick on….
Neither can he.
And if he does, I’m gonna hafta cut him!

But I digress. The surgery doesn’t bother me; however i think that coming home and looking at a drawer full of bras would. I have sports bras, nursing bras, a few sexy bras but the majority are “old lady bras”.

I have been wearing Playtex bras since I was a teen and have never bought anything else!  From the time I was a teenager up until I had my first baby at the age of 26, I weighed 115lbs and measured 36-24-36. That attracted a lot of attention. Bouncing boobies only added to the attention. Therefore, I strapped mine down with a good ole, 18 hour support (old lady) bra.

I’ve NEVER had a matching bra and panty set in my entire life because I didn’t like those flimsy, cutesy, colorful, sexy bras. Nope, my big, thick, wide strapped, beige, polyester 18 hr bra held me up and THAT was more important to me.

But after my Double Bubble Chop Chop I’ll be able to go and get all of the sexy bras that I want. That’s important, because after I gather up all of my old ones, my drawer will be lonely.

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Mastectomy-Just 2 Days Away

2 days left!I have 2 more days until my mastectomy; my Double Bubble Chop Chop. Both days will be filled with organizing, cleaning and shopping.

I will be somewhat incapacitated for 6 weeks!! There will be friends here to take care of me and/or the children. The children will spend the night at a friend’s house on Tues and Wed. So that means LOTS OF organizing.

Therefore, tonight will be the last sane night that The Husband and I can spend together. The children will sleep at a friend’s house this evening. They are all excitedly packing p.j.’s and toothbrushes as i type! I have to get my mind out of the Organizing-Controlling-Mommy state and put myself in a Sexy Woman state.

What a jump!

While The Husband takes them off to the friend’s house I’m going to run to the health food store and pick up a few items that i need for the surgery. Lemon Echinacea Juice, Vitamin C crystals, Hains Organic Tomato soup, Arnica tablets and bottled water. When i return home I’m going to have to resist the urge to scrub the bathroom tiles, wash my sheets, and clean my room. All of these activities were slated for yesterday but we weren’t able to get to them. Tomorrow i have slated other important things to do.

I have a BIG mental jump to make.

I need to go to my little storage room and get bubble bath and massage oil and maybe a game to help reconnect us. Then i need to take a bath without looking at the tiles; climb in my big cozy bed without changing the sheets or looking at the clothes on the floor (before we left for church I had to try on several outfits because nothing fits this semi-pregnant body and I REFUSE to buy another size 10 anything!!!). Then I need to STAY AWAKE!

Help me Jesus!!

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Now Breast Cancer-What A Year!

What a year 2007 has been!

  • We had my 5th baby and FINALLY it was a girl!
  • I am now homeschooling a HIGHSCHOOLER!!
  • We’ve just celebrated 1yr as homeowners.
  • I threw myself a GRAND 40th birthday party!
  • I promised myself that I would start an on-line biz and I did. *update-this was shutdown within 6 months. Too much to do and what do I know about online businesses.
  • I was diagnosed, for the second time, with DCIS, Ductal Carcinoma In Situ.

This time i decided to go through w/the mastectomy. Unlike in 2000.

I told my Dr. that he couldn’t just take one; they both had to go. Sorry Rightie (a.k.a Flip) but w/Leftie (a.k.a Flop)gone I just wouldn’t feel right (a.k.a A Freak).

My Dr. was somewhat confused about my decision, he doesn’t like to operate on healthy tissue.

But WHATEVER! I told my Doc, I’m not gonna watch one breast hang around and lose it’s fight with gravity over the next 30 yrs! No, no, no Flip has gots to go!

So Wednesday, Sept 26 at high noon I will be under the knife and having BOTH of my little friends, Flip and Flop, removed. A Bilaterial Mastectomy. I call it “The Double Bubble Chop Chop”!

I’m not afraid or doubtful. I feel this is exactly where i;m suppose to be at this point in my life. I thank God for the many prayers that have gone up for me. All across the country friends are praying and having their churches pray for me.

But I do feel sorry for Flip & Flop. They have served me well. They have nursed 5 (!!) babies and have satisfied my Beloved. They have been the center of attention by many an eye since i was 12 yrs old. They started out as 36C’s and are now 38D’s. They have grown and have been admired and loved. And on Wednesday they will be laying on a table, detached from me. They will be observed, fondled, handled and admired by many but without the love. They will only be specimens as I will be in a teaching hospital.

That’s their fate. Could it be that as wonderful nurturer’s they caught the abnormal cells and held on to them to protect me? Our bodies are wonderfully complex and living. It’s a fact all cells are LIVING and communicating with each other all the time. I imagine that when the abnormal cells started producing my left breast enticed them, charmed them, persuaded them to come to her. All of the other cells in my body participated in the beguilement, encouraging the “abnormal” cells to go and partake in the warmth of Flop’s bosom. She lured them into her ducts and then swallowed them whole! Just to protect me.

She didn’t know how long she could contain them. She knew they would eventually take over. She tried to warn me as far back as 1998. I had just weaned my 2nd male child and periodically would notice a tinge of blood in my bra. I ignored it because i didn’t know what it meant. I thought i was leaking milk, chocolate. In 2000 it turned into a lump. I had it looked at and biopsied and was told that it was cancerous. After prayer, I decided not to go the recommended route of mastectomy then. I was 33 yrs old for goodness sakes!

With God’s help I decided to cleanse, detoxify and build my immune system. Nutritional therapy. 9 months later i was pregnant with my 3rd male child. He nursed like the Milk Monster and I choose to see that as God’s way of saying I was healed. Flip and Flop were properly handling their jobs.

The big 9lb 11oz boy grew & grew. Busy w/4 boys (we had custody of my nephew at that time) I couldn’t keep up w/cleansing and the wholistic eating and slowly went back to eating the delectable crapola that permeates our society.

Soon after I weened him I was pregnant with our 4 male child. He was born in Jan 2006. I now had a 12yb, 7yb, 6yb(nephew) 3yb and a newborn. I forgot about building my immune system, I had too much to do; homeschooling, chauffeuring, breastfeeding, cooking, cleaning, washing, training, clipping toenails, cutting hair, etc. etc.

I did notice there was a lump that didn’t go away even after i finish nursing. Once I weened him (by accident) I noticed it was still there. But I immediately got pregnant with our 5th (!!!) child.

I went on to see the Dr. anyway. After an ultrasound, mammogram and needle biopsy it was determined that, Yep it’s cancer. Flop was holding it down. It was in the duct, but had some escaped? My limp-nodes are enlarged.

My 1st daughter was born May 2007. She nursed up until last week. But she will never know it.  She will always see me as a breast-less woman. That’s why I had to take the pictures.

Anyho, we’ll find out on Wednesday if Flop was able to contain the abnormal cells. I am appreciative to her for taking care of me. I appreciate Flip too. Both Flip and Flop have been great gals and I hate to see them go. I’m sure my husband hates it just as much but he’s not much of a talker when it comes to emotional issues so i can only assume.

What a year 2007 has been!

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